Saturday, November 1, 2008

BSI - Blackout Scene Investigation

The Post Blackout Guide (Waking up alone version)

The blackout.  We've all been there.  You vaguely remember that last shot that pushed you over the edge, but after that its completely black.  Nothing.  You wake up confused.  Your either naked or fully dressed in what you wore out the night before.  But unlike last night where you were money, or at least you thought you were, you look like a heroin addict in desperate need for the next fix.  You sit up in bed and put your hand through your hair and look around.  "How did I get home?  What happened?  How did I blow it this time?  Fuck, blacked out again."  So many questions.  You want to throw up, but you don't.  You drag yourself into the kitchen to get some water and see an empty pizza box with crust scattered throughout the kitchen.  You take a deep breath and prepare yourself for the task at hand: Putting together the pieces from the night before, BSI - Blackout Scene Investigation.  

But don't get too far ahead of yourself cowboy.  Before you try and figure out who or what you grinded on, who exactly "hot jenn" is in your phone, you need to get your life together.  First priority - Locate and account for all personal belongings.  The big 4 - wallet, phone, camera, keys.  These items are not only valuable, they are evidence from the night before.  Your keys are likely to be found in the door,  or within a 5 foot radius of it (or possibly in the fridge), the other 3 will likely be scattered throughout your place, or at least you hope so. Once you've finished your scavenger hunt and collected the "big 4" its time to get down to business.

  1. Inspect the wallet.  Make sure you have all your ID and credit cards.  There's approximately a 13% chance you left your tab open.  Gather any receipts and save them as evidence.  
  2. Check your phone for new numbers, drunk dials, and all texts past midnight.  Hopefully you didn't blow it with that cute little piece you've been workin.  
  3. Unlike yourself, cameras don't blackout. If you were coherent enough to take it out, your camera will show you how awesome you were the night before.  But don't get too big of a head there big tuna, 30 minutes later you were likely kicked out, carried home, or passed out (alone).  
  4. Dial up the friends you went out with.  You can either be blunt - "yo, blacked out hard last night...what happened?"  Or your can beat around the bush and fish for details.  You're call.
Through a combination of word of mouth, pictures, receipts, and cell phone log analysis you should be able to put the together the pieces of the puzzle called the night before.  Now go hit up that diner, shower up, and get back in the game and make yourself that mimosa you've been craving before withdrawal sets in.  You've earned it.  
 

Waking up next to someone post blackout is an entirely different animal.  Fuck your belongings - all you care about is if you were coherent enough to wrap up your shit.  The Post Blackout Guide (When you fucked a random) will be coming soon.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Job Opportunities

"Hey, You Guys!"
from dealbreaker.com

A few comments from dealbreaker:
  • "Sarah Palin just RS-VP'd"
  • Q: "What's the difference between  Sarah Palin's vagina and her mouth  A: Retarded things come out of her vagina only occasionally."
  • "May as well hire Corky from Family Ties--he couldn't possibly screw up worse than the friggin 1400 SAT crowd"
  • "Corky was on Life goes on, not Family Ties.  What passes for disabled these days?  If I write my resume in Crayon, will that get me a gob at ML?  Or would it be lost in the sea of resumes from Lehman also written in crayon?"

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Morning Mimosas

Everyone knows the feeling...you wake up wondering how you ended up in your bathtub, you can't speak due to the dryness throughout your throat and mouth, and you smell like cigarettes and stoli/Red Bull.  The three extra strength Motrins aren't doing much to help the throbbing headache you have and you're praying for relief from the misery you're feeling.  Water seems like a potential solution, but it's not, in fact, the cure-all.  When waking up the morning after an unnecessarily excessive night of consumption, reach for a Mimosa and slide back into the magical element you were in about 5 hours back.  Not only does it provide you with the minimal amount of liquor your body needs to return to autopilot, it also fills you with the essential vitamin C needed to stay healthy during a trying weekend.  For ten total dollars, you can get yourself a bottle of Andre champagne and a large jug of Tropicana Orange Juice, equalling about 6 Mimosas.  That should be good for a trio of cocktails on both Saturday and Sunday morning, keeping your engine running and your liver pumping.  If you're really feeling silly, throw some vodka in there for good measure and a great afternoon.  Just make sure you focus if trying to drive!  So pour yourself a morning Mimosa, turn on the slideshow of pictures from the prior evening (mainly you grinding on an oldie), and gear up for early afternoon beirut with a few delicious Mimosas.   Hey, it's gotta taste better than the saliva of the 40 plus you made out with!  Go Goats!!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

"Why Most Men Are Republican"

-So I got this email the other day from my godmother. She's off her rocker and lives in a different world. I seriously have said to my parents about choosing them, "like really? what kind of drugs were you guys on?" When it comes to whackjobs-she's in cooperstown...i think it goes al davis, britney, and godmom. I'm dragging a bit - so to get the point...she is beyond republican, as right as you can get. Last time she came to visit she was legitamately mad that we had heinz ketchup (John's Kerry's wife is Teresa Heinz). she actually left to go for a walk...like, seriously? I may rant about this more in the future. but anyway, below is the email-i got a laugh...

-----------------------------------------
Which democrat would you get on? List em' 1-9 with details...I think i'd do Teresa first and get a lot of ketchup and mustard involved just to spite godmom.

Structured Procrastination

- Both were from articles in WSJ in past month
"Procrastinators seldom do absolutely nothing; they do marginally useful things, like gardening or sharpening pencils or making a diagram of how they will reorganize their files when they get around to it. Why does the procrastinator do these things? Because they are a way of not doing something more important. If all the procrastinator had left to do was to sharpen some pencils, no force on earth could get him do it. However, the procrastinator can be motivated to do difficult, timely and important tasks, as long as these tasks are a way of not doing something more important." -Read on.... http://www.structuredprocrastination.com/

So that explains it -fuckin brilliant...so that's why I'm always making to do lists and never seem to take care of the things at the top of the list. e.g.- I haven't registered my car in Florida (its been 4 months and law says by 2 weeks), and I keep saying today is the day I'll talk to some Indian [dot] halfway across the world at HP customer support to get my laptop fixed.


http://evernote.com/ - "Evernote allows you to easily capture information in any environment using whatever device or platform you find most convenient, and makes this information accessible and searchable at any time, from anywhere."

-A high tech way to organize and make to do lists / avoid doing things that need to get done.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Classic LIterature of the 21st Century

Howard uses the AABB rhyming scheme to perfection
by Ryan Howard
Dig in my cleats, take a bite.
Oh, the flavor soars out of sight.
Big Philly Cheesteak puts burgers to shame,
Outta be inshrined into the, mmm, hall of fame.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Britney Spears

Britney Spears may not have the looks, own MTV or the billboard charts like she once did, but she sure has mastered the arts of:

  1. the attempted comeback - I'm pretty sure I threw up in my mouth at least 3 times during her performance at last years VMAs
  2. being a complete whore - various...
  3. being a complete whack job

Well folks...she's at it again [sigh]

  1. Britney Spears - Womanizer - the first single (see link) off of her new album, appropriately titled "Circus."
  2. Britney Spears to bid on own sex tape - reportedly features "a naked Britney wearing a pink wig, engaging in various sex acts."
  3. In addition to the wig, Britney wore some of her old memorabilia from her Mouseketeer days (specifically Mickey Ears) and sang/screamed/gargled the Mickey Mouse Club Song throughout much of the duration of the two hour video (actual photo below)

--------------
Mickey Mouse Club Song [Britney remix (ft Lil John)]
Now it's time to say goodbye... (whatt)
To that slamhole Brit-a-ney.... (ok)
B-R-I-T, bag [t-bag] you real soon (sweat drops down my balls)
N-E-Y, Why? Because we can... (skeet skeet motherfucker)
S-P-E-A-R-S...(skeet skeet got dam)
--------------
Dear Britney,

Keep doing coke until your thin and hot again.

Love,
PrimegroStrand

Nasty Pants!

The following classy & tasteful (flavors available) product was brought to you by my boy Turtle
Ever have one of those mornings where you wake up in an unfamiliar room, next to some unfamiliar slut, with a used condom on the ground that you may or may not have put on correctly/broken/ripped off so you could nut on her face? Me too! Happens all the time...

Want to get so drunk you can stick your dick in anything with an orifice and not have to worry about fathering another illegitimate son, paying child support for the rest of your life, and then watching her run off with that scumbag Tony who was probably the real father anyway? I mean that that bastard didn't even look like me...um you...ugh, I mean...that could happen.

Anyway just get Nasty Pants. If she's hammered enough to fuck you, she's hammered enough to fuck you in a full body condom.

*Ribbed and flavored versions available

-Turtle


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Arts & Crafts - Palin Fathead

Your Very Own Sarah Palin Fathead !!

Impress all your friends by being the first to have your very own Palin fathead! Have her by your side as you cook dinner in the kitchen, have her watch over you while your on the shitter (you can yell "done" but she won't wipe your ass), place her on the ceiling above your bed so you no longer need a mental picture when you fuck your wife - Palin looks great anywhere! Just follow the simple directions below. And best of all its free!!!

Step 1: Google image Sarah Palin and pick out your favorite Palin photo
Step 2: Save the image to your desktop
Step 3: Open the image in Paint
Step 4: Go to page setup and click "fit to".
Step 5: Enter the approximate size you want your Palin fathead (width x length)
Step 6: Print
Step 7: Get out your scissors and tape
Step 8: Cut and tape together your fathead!
...and walla - it's like she's actually in room with you!!



An actual 3 page by 8 page example above
If you love your Palin and had a great time making her, follow the same simple 8 steps above with Sean Johnson. She's a perfect fit for your fridge!
input from my boy Turtle

Monday, September 29, 2008

Adam "Pacman" Jones

The Pacman Jones formula for getting reinstated into the NFL (Mike Vick - take notes)
  • Make necesary adjustments to your name - real or full, which ever applicable (Pacman to Adam)
  • Get rid of your dreadlocks/cornrows (buzz cut)
  • Get a very rich white person to back you (Jerry Jones)

See link below:
NFL Fines Pacman Jones For Not Tucking Gun Into Pants

Billboard for October

Singles to look out for in October (click title to listen to song):

Market Bottom

The market was down 777 points today. Coincidence...I think not. It is obvious the market has hit its bottom and will be going straight up from here. Trust me. 20,000 here we come!!!

BREAKING NEWS

Baillout to Air on Special "Deal or No Deal"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With no clear end to the financial crisis in sight and the bailout plan at a standstill, President Bush decided to take things into his own hands late Monday.  At around 4:30 pm, Bush made the executive decision to bring bailout negotiations to primetime television.  In one of his smarter moves as President, Bush announced that the terms of the bailout will be on the line in a special Deal or No Deal to broadcast live tomorrow night.

The full details of the show will be announced later tonight. But this is what we know so far:
  • Henry Paulson will have his head waxed, recieve 10-20 botox injections, superglue his own pubic hair to his chin, and be the shows guest host.
  • The Deal or No Deal models will be replaced by Capital Hill's finest women - including Nancy Pelosi, Sarah Palin, and Condoleezza Rice.
  • All proceeds from the show will go directly toward the bailout fund.
Bush commented on his plan, "It's a plan where everybody wins. It ensures that we'll have a deal by Thursday and it will be great entertainment. Heck, I love that show. On top of that, we'll be able to take the money made from the show to pay for the majority of the bailout."

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Palin on the Runway

VPILF: The hottest VP canidate since Al Gore

Sarah Palin 1984 Swimsuit Competition - Unfortunately its a one piece. Nice stems Sar...


You can sign my yearbook anytime

A Real Horses Ass


Shannon Sharpe, A Bronco for Life

Denver, Colorado (AP) - In a desperate attempt to get back in the NFL, Shannon Sharpe had his head surgically removed from his body on to that of a bronco. Sharpe's agent has been in contact with his former team, the Denver Broncos.

When asked about the negotiations his agent responded, "We'll likely have a deal done by the end of the week. We're still working out the terms of the deal...the Broncos want to use him more for marketing and possibly make him a team mascot/spokesman. Getting back on the field will be tougher than Shannon first thought as he is unable to catch or carry a football."

Although Sharpe has been highly criticized for the surgery, it has opened many doors of opportunity. It appears that there will be life after football for this impressive colt. Other options currently being discussed are a Mr. Ed motion picture, multiple beastiality porn offers, and the Surreal Life. When asked to comment on his new "life," Sharpe shrugged and said, "Hey...my penis is 2 meters long, so whatever."

Photoshop work by my boy Turtle

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Bailout Advice - see Dick Fuld

When in search of a bailout look no further than to that special somebody you fuck.

Dick Fuld may have run a multi billion dollar investment bank into the ground and sold his stock for less than 1% of what is worth 6 months ago, but he sure knows who to look for help during a financial crisis - the one you fuck.

No, no...not Erin Callan (shes a fox) or the shareholders, i said fuck, not fuck over. Fuld went to his wife, who by all means is not a fox (come on Dick...you were on top of the world and that was all you could snag- sucks to be hiding out in that snuff now I'm sure), to give him a helping handjob and save his ass. Kathy Fuld will be selling many of her treasured modern art pieces in November and expects multiple pieces to go for over a million dollars.

The Reach-Around Bailout - The Dick Fuld Story

When asked about the auction, Kathy said, "I'm not going to fucking sugar coat it for you. By putting 158 year old firm 6 ft under, Dick managed to do the same with our financial security. I don't want to sell these pieces, but I have to. That's all! Fuck this, fuck you, fuck Dick...[sigh]...[to herself]..I could use a good fuck right about now."

Grr...[bite]

However, Fuld's ways are easier said than done when it comes to the current U.S. financial crisis. In recent years the US has changed roles from the pitcher to the catcher, as everyone else appears to be doing the fucking. It's a shame Tony Blair isn't around anymore, Bush would had this shit solved already.

Cougs

From last night....

True Life: Texts from an older women - While pregaming last night the 40s w/ 40s party we're trying to throw came up which brought up some of the older women stories we've had here at our short time at wpb. So I threw my cell phone to my buddy and told him to say whatever he wanted to this coug Jill I grinded on and sloppily made out with in black out mode.

"Me" - 10:35 PM: "Hey baby, you going out tonight?"
Jill - 10:40 PM: "Your texting me so, I'm assuming your drunk" --no shit
Me - 10:47 PM: "Nah just wanted to see you again"
Jill - 10:48 PM: "A month and now you want to see me?" --come on now, you know what this
Me - 10:58 PM: "Yeah baby, I've been thinking about you and want to hang out" --aka ...
Jill - 11:01 PM: "Trust me hun, I'm not what your lookin for" --yea...im looking to start a long term relationship...stupid bitch
Me - 11:10 PM: "Don't say that baby, come out and we'll have a great time...I promise"
Jill - 11:13 PM: [picture message] "Hi" --nothing special...looking back should have asked for a sexy pic...there's always tonight
Me - 11:15 PM: "You're even sexier than I remember"
Me - 11:18 PM: [picture message] "you know you want me" --picture of me throwin out the vibe
Jill - 11:19 PM: "Can't go out tonight...don't have a babysitter" --drops the bomb
Me - 11:25 PM: "Fair enough...have a good night"
Jill - 11:27 PM: "I'll call you next time I'm downtown"
...
Jill - 4:23 AM: "Hey, you still up? --ok, ok
Me - 4:35 AM: "Yea...whats up" --(this is me now)
Jill - 4:37 AM: "My son is sick and woke me up. I'm going to have to take him to the doctors tomorrow" --wtf is going on-why is she texting me at 4:30 am to tell me her kid is sick, wtf did my boy say to this broad
Me - 4:38 AM: "Sorry to hear...goin to bed"
Jill - 4:39 AM: "Goodnite hun! xoxo

Update: They don't sell 40s in Florida. I know I couldn't believe it myself. Talk about an untapped market. That's like banning kfc and waffle houses. Looks like I'll have to import them from Georgia. There's always something.

Sarah Palin's Tits

Sept 26, 7:28 AM EDT

Sarah Palin #1 on Google

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - Despite the current financial crisis, Alaska's own Sarah Palin has managed to remain on top of the Google world. Since her VP nomination on the August 30th, Palin has been searched on Google more than any other person.

After some further research...

Top 5 Sarah Palin Google searches
1. Sarah Palin tits
2. Sarah Palin's daughers tits - (fucking bombs...pretty sure they have their own zip code)
3. Palin sex tape
4. Sarah Palin fathead - (someone should def get on that)
5. Palin bikini - ("fuck, theres got to be something out there" (0-4))


What the people say:
"I'll pay two paychecks on a Palin fathead if she shows some nipple" - true that

"Palin?...love her. She def fucks like a champ. I even hear she cheats on husband...[pause] so you're tellin' me theres a chace"

"Everytime I look at her I just picture her eyein me in those sexy glasses as she devours my dick and cups my balls" - i thought i was the only one..

The Real Debate...
Full shave, runway, or free spirit? I have a mental picture of a runway, but I'd say odds are she's free spirit. Fucking Alaska.

Even the inbred's have found a way to get off to Palin... http://news.aol.com/article/palin-maze-carved-in-cornfield/189052