BSI - Blackout Scene Investigation

The Post Blackout Guide (Waking up alone version)

The blackout.  We've all been there.  You vaguely remember that last shot that pushed you over the edge, but after that its completely black.  Nothing.  You wake up confused.  Your either naked or fully dressed in what you wore out the night before.  But unlike last night where you were money, or at least you thought you were, you look like a heroin addict in desperate need for the next fix.  You sit up in bed and put your hand through your hair and look around.  "How did I get home?  What happened?  How did I blow it this time?  Fuck, blacked out again."  So many questions.  You want to throw up, but you don't.  You drag yourself into the kitchen to get some water and see an empty pizza box with crust scattered throughout the kitchen.  You take a deep breath and prepare yourself for the task at hand: Putting together the pieces from the night before, BSI - Blackout Scene Investigation.  

But don't get too far ahead of yourself cowboy.  Before you try and figure out who or what you grinded on, who exactly "hot jenn" is in your phone, you need to get your life together.  First priority - Locate and account for all personal belongings.  The big 4 - wallet, phone, camera, keys.  These items are not only valuable, they are evidence from the night before.  Your keys are likely to be found in the door,  or within a 5 foot radius of it (or possibly in the fridge), the other 3 will likely be scattered throughout your place, or at least you hope so. Once you've finished your scavenger hunt and collected the "big 4" its time to get down to business.

1. Inspect the wallet.  Make sure you have all your ID and credit cards.  There's approximately a 13% chance you left your tab open.  Gather any receipts and save them as evidence.  
2. Check your phone for new numbers, drunk dials, and all texts past midnight.  Hopefully you didn't blow it with that cute little piece you've been workin.  
3. Unlike yourself, cameras don't blackout. If you were coherent enough to take it out, your camera will show you how awesome you were the night before.  But don't get too big of a head there big tuna, 30 minutes later you were likely kicked out, carried home, or passed out (alone).  
4. Dial up the friends you went out with.  You can either be blunt - "yo, blacked out hard last night...what happened?"  Or your can beat around the bush and fish for details.  You're call.

Through a combination of word of mouth, pictures, receipts, and cell phone log analysis you should be able to put the together the pieces of the puzzle called the night before.  Now go hit up that diner, shower up, and get back in the game and make yourself that mimosa you've been craving before withdrawal sets in.  You've earned it.  

 

Waking up next to someone post blackout is an entirely different animal.  Fuck your belongings - all you care about is if you were coherent enough to wrap up your shit.  The Post Blackout Guide (When you fucked a random) will be coming soon.

Job Opportunities

"Hey, You Guys!"

from dealbreaker.com

A few comments from dealbreaker:

• "Sarah Palin just RS-VP'd"
• Q: "What's the difference between  Sarah Palin's vagina and her mouth  A: Retarded things come out of her vagina only occasionally."
• "May as well hire Corky from Family Ties--he couldn't possibly screw up worse than the friggin 1400 SAT crowd"
• "Corky was on Life goes on, not Family Ties.  What passes for disabled these days?  If I write my resume in Crayon, will that get me a gob at ML?  Or would it be lost in the sea of resumes from Lehman also written in crayon?"

Morning Mimosas

Everyone knows the feeling...you wake up wondering how you ended up in your bathtub, you can't speak due to the dryness throughout your throat and mouth, and you smell like cigarettes and stoli/Red Bull.  The three extra strength Motrins aren't doing much to help the throbbing headache you have and you're praying for relief from the misery you're feeling.  Water seems like a potential solution, but it's not, in fact, the cure-all.  When waking up the morning after an unnecessarily excessive night of consumption, reach for a Mimosa and slide back into the magical element you were in about 5 hours back.  Not only does it provide you with the minimal amount of liquor your body needs to return to autopilot, it also fills you with the essential vitamin C needed to stay healthy during a trying weekend.  For ten total dollars, you can get yourself a bottle of Andre champagne and a large jug of Tropicana Orange Juice, equalling about 6 Mimosas.  That should be good for a trio of cocktails on both Saturday and Sunday morning, keeping your engine running and your liver pumping.  If you're really feeling silly, throw some vodka in there for good measure and a great afternoon.  Just make sure you focus if trying to drive!  So pour yourself a morning Mimosa, turn on the slideshow of pictures from the prior evening (mainly you grinding on an oldie), and gear up for early afternoon beirut with a few delicious Mimosas.   Hey, it's gotta taste better than the saliva of the 40 plus you made out with!  Go Goats!!!

"Why Most Men Are Republican"

-So I got this email the other day from my godmother. She's off her rocker and lives in a different world. I seriously have said to my parents about choosing them, "like really? what kind of drugs were you guys on?" When it comes to whackjobs-she's in cooperstown...i think it goes al davis, britney, and godmom. I'm dragging a bit - so to get the point...she is beyond republican, as right as you can get. Last time she came to visit she was legitamately mad that we had heinz ketchup (John's Kerry's wife is Teresa Heinz). she actually left to go for a walk...like, seriously? I may rant about this more in the future. but anyway, below is the email-i got a laugh...

-----------------------------------------
Which democrat would you get on? List em' 1-9 with details...I think i'd do Teresa first and get a lot of ketchup and mustard involved just to spite godmom.

Structured Procrastination

- Both were from articles in WSJ in past month
"Procrastinators seldom do absolutely nothing; they do marginally useful things, like gardening or sharpening pencils or making a diagram of how they will reorganize their files when they get around to it. Why does the procrastinator do these things? Because they are a way of not doing something more important. If all the procrastinator had left to do was to sharpen some pencils, no force on earth could get him do it. However, the procrastinator can be motivated to do difficult, timely and important tasks, as long as these tasks are a way of not doing something more important." -Read on.... http://www.structuredprocrastination.com/

So that explains it -fuckin brilliant...so that's why I'm always making to do lists and never seem to take care of the things at the top of the list. e.g.- I haven't registered my car in Florida (its been 4 months and law says by 2 weeks), and I keep saying today is the day I'll talk to some Indian [dot] halfway across the world at HP customer support to get my laptop fixed.


http://evernote.com/ - "Evernote allows you to easily capture information in any environment using whatever device or platform you find most convenient, and makes this information accessible and searchable at any time, from anywhere."

-A high tech way to organize and make to do lists / avoid doing things that need to get done.

Classic LIterature of the 21st Century

Howard uses the AABB rhyming scheme to perfection

An Ode to the Subway Big Philly Cheesteak (link)

by Ryan Howard

Dig in my cleats, take a bite.

Oh, the flavor soars out of sight.

Big Philly Cheesteak puts burgers to shame,

Outta be inshrined into the, mmm, hall of fame.

T.I.

T.I. - Paper Trail

[Click on song to listen]

1. 56 Bars (Intro)

2. I’m Illy
3. Ready For Whatever
4. On Top Of The World (feat. Ludacris and B.o.B)

5. Live Your Life (feat. Rihanna)
6. Whatever You Like
7. No Matter What
8. My Life Your Entertainment (feat. Usher) - [my jam]

9. Porn Star
10. Swing Ya Rag (feat. Swizz Beatz)

11. What Up, What’s Happnin'

12. Every Chance I Get
13. Swagga Like Us T.I. and Jay-Z (feat. Kanye West and Lil Wayne)

14. Slide Show (feat. John Legend)

15. You Ain’t Missin’ Nothing
16. Dead And Gone (feat. Justin Timberlake)

One word - wow. I didn't think they made albums like this anymore. T.I. killed it on this one -every track is quality. For those simpletons out there that only listen to what the radio tells them...stick with #4, 5, 6, 8, 13, 16 for now.